


But still I could always be (Whatever you wanted)

by burntwaffles



Series: But still I could always be (Whatever you wanted) [1]
Category: The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Pining, Rating went up!!!, Romance, Teresa/Brenda is mentioned, Will probably add more tags as this goes along, and more characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 05:02:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burntwaffles/pseuds/burntwaffles
Summary: Thomas had been, basically - whether he admits it or not - hopelessly and desperately in love with Newt, for as long as they knew each other.





	1. Bestest Friends Forever

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just a thing. TBH I don't know how many chapters it's going to be... nor do I know how often I'll be updating. But I've pretty much got an outline and stuff, so. I'm really sorry huhu forgive this incompetent potato orz
> 
> P.S. The chapter lengths are going to vary depending on what happens... 
> 
> P.P.S. I got the title from this song by EDEN. It's called "Drugs" and it's like the best song eeeever huhu anyway pls listen to it here is the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjZ75qI5BOk
> 
> P.P.P.S None of the characters are mine, as you all know. They belong to papa Dashner :D and I love him for creating them. <3
> 
> P.P.P.P.S. WHAT AM I DOING I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING PLATES??? BUT HERE I AM STARTING ON A NEW FIC??? Pls pray for me HAHA let me pass this semester, plssss.

Thomas had been, basically - whether he admits it or not - hopelessly and desperately in love with Newt, for as long as they knew each other.

They had been friends for more than a year by then. There had been all these… moments, between them, that made Thomas feel like he was crazy, because, were those moments just in his head? Was Newt messing with him? How could anyone justify those moments as simply celebrations of friendship between two people, when they were so intimate, so close, so couple-like? Thomas had asked people, asked for advice, for the next course of action - if he should make a move, if he had a chance. He'd gotten such positive feedback, too. But he hadn't been ready to speak out.

And of course, at some point, Newt had found out, because Thomas was shockingly obvious and honest, and was, apparently, unable to keep his feelings in check, blurting it out randomly while they were walking along a crowded sidewalk - add _that_ to the embarrassment. At that moment Thomas couldn't contain his feelings, and he didn't even get _why_ it was at that moment, what was so special about it. He had just felt so bolstered and courageous and so, so in love with the tall, blonde boy with the gorgeous eyes and the kind heart and the cheeky smile.

And _of course_ the confession went awry. Thomas was just lucky like that.

Newt had basically ignored the confession, changing the subject while Thomas fumbled about, wondering whether or not Newt got the message, and what his answer was.

The awkwardness between them that ensued was answer. Newt stopped hanging out with Thomas, stopped talking to him so much, just, _stopped_. Being a friend, being anything. Thomas took it all in stride and pretended he was over it, to anyone who asked, any friends he'd told. It was a massive blow to his pride more than anything, he'd say, because he would never, never admit that his heart had shattered when Newt started distancing himself from Thomas. He'd proceeded to assume that the friendship was lost as well, and that they were no longer anything but casual acquaintances.

Overthinking and he kept wishing he'd kept his mouth shut, his feelings in check… then maybe, maybe their close friendship would still be intact. He didn't mind pining endlessly so long as he could be somewhat close, still. If he hadn't gone ahead of himself and assumed, like the fucking moron he was. And then he finds out that all this time, his friend was already half in love with Thomas' own best friend, Brenda. _But of course_. He should've known. They were getting closer and everything, and he'd never noticed, so caught up in his wishful thinking that Newt was in love with _him_.

_And what a blow, what a fucking sucker punch to the gut that was_.

He'd found out through one of their blabbermouth friends, and though Thomas put on a mask of surprised shock and nodded and listened to the gossip, he was already breaking inside.

But it was okay. _It was okay_ , he said to himself as he walked home, feeling dazed and sad and stupid, wishing he could drink, but he hadn't anyone to go drinking with. It was a thing with him - he didn't drink. He never went to drinking parties, never did anything except for the occasional sip every now and then. He hated the taste. But he got himself a bottle of vodka anyway, drinking by himself, seated by the window in his apartment, savoring the warmth of the bitter, hot liquid sliding down his throat, relishing the reprieve brought about by the happiness and carelessness he felt, that had lifted away, for that day, the nasty black hole in his chest that was threatening to swallow him whole.

 

-

 

But that was two years ago. And now… they were friends again. Newt had started talking to him again sometime last year, and up till now Thomas still felt like he was walking on eggshells, scared of saying something that showed even a hint of his feelings, and yet enjoying the return of their friendship. Sometimes he felt it again, those times that made him feel that maybe Newt was _into_ him, but no, oh boy! No way was he going down that rabbit hole again. They were friends, just friends. It was established two years ago that Thomas was a friend, and if him making a move means Newt distancing himself again, they were going to be the bestest friends forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there. Poor Thomas aw baby my heart aches for uuuuu :c 
> 
> Things will get better, swears. And then some. HAHA. Anyways, enjoy.


	2. Arrows and triangles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt interrupted Thomas then, staring him in the eye. "She's clearly not happy - Jim could make her happier-"

"Hey, Tommy!" Thomas looked up from his laptop, where he'd been watching reruns of The Office. Newt peered at his laptop screen, then proceeded to sit next to him - too close for Thomas to be comfortable, but hey, he wasn't complaining. Newt reached up and tugged one of Thomas' earphones off. "I love this series."

Ten minutes later and Thomas wasn't even focusing on the movie anymore. He was just listening to Newt's endless, hilarious, endearing comments about the episode - and snickering every now and then. Their shoulders were touching, and every now and then Newt would look over at him, smiling about his own comments and cracking jokes. It felt good. So terribly good that Thomas felt a shattering guilt about what he was feeling about his friend - who was trusting him completely in their friendship, not knowing how Thomas wanted to just grab his hand at intertwine them, or maybe peck him on the cheek. He fought away the dark feelings again, and tried to ward of any other feelings besides the platonic ones. Though in his case he was no longer sure where the we're-best-friends feelings ended and the I-will-give-you-the-world feelings began.

Newt was nudging his shoulder.

"I totally wish he'd make his move," he muttered. Thomas blinked.

"Uh, what?"

"Jim. He's completely in love with Pam, right? And yet he does nothing about it."

"Newt… Pam's engaged. I don't think -"

Newt interrupted Thomas then, staring him in the eye. "She's clearly not happy - Jim could make her happier-"

"It's not up to Jim," Thomas said, firmly. He understood Newt's frustrations. "He can't butt in a relationship, it's just a matter of principle."

Newt was frustrated about Brenda.

About three months ago, Brenda had started dating Teresa, who'd only transferred to their department six months ago. Teresa was beautiful, talented, smart, and everybody loved her. And she loved everybody. Which was Brenda's problem. Teresa was an outrageous flirt, dallying with basically anything that moved, including Thomas. His and Brenda's friendship suffered a little because of that, as Teresa was somehow always trying to get Thomas to third-wheel on her dates with Brenda, and making the moves on him all night long. His discomfort and Brenda's anger - at him, never ever at her, was the deciding factor that Thomas had to distance himself. He had tried talking to Brenda about it, about how Teresa might not be the one for her, but he'd always been shut down - you want her, don't you? You're just trying to get me to break up with her so you can take her! Amongst other accusations.

Newt, of course, was devastated. Back then, Newt had thought he had a chance. And it was eating him up inside, the toxicity of the two girls' relationships, Brenda's obvious suffering and yet unwavering adoration of Teresa…

"I told Brenda I had uh, a thing for her."

Thomas' eyes widened almost comically, and he felt almost like vomiting, wanting to know and not wanting. "What did… she say?"

"She rejected me, what else do you think." Newt ran his hand through his blonde hair, and breathed out as he stared at the ceiling. "I… I just wanted to let her know there's someone who really actually cares about her, you know? That she doesn't have to put up with someone who doesn't treat her the way she deserves. It was… well - coincidence," Newt chuckled lightly, but Thomas saw how wrecked he looked, "that I would be the one to treat her well."

"Go out with me."

 

-

 

Newt slowly turned his head to face Thomas, who was quickly shutting his laptop and packing up his stuff. Damn, that just slipped out, didn't it? What happened to not making a move, best friends forever? His hands were trembling now, and the dark hole was threatening to swallow him up. He's going to hate me, he's going to go away again- 

"Why?"

Thomas looked up, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. The confidence in his voice opposed what he actually felt - like he was on the edge of a precipice, his heart was beating like he could just tumble over at any moment. Newt was staring at him seriously, a frown marring his forehead.

"Why… well," and here Thomas shrugged carelessly, like it didn't matter to him whether Newt said yes or no - that the darkness swelling into his ribs were nothing, "I could treat you well, you know." He'd used Newt's own words regarding his feelings for Brenda. Newt seemed to hesitate, and Thomas raised his hands up in a conciliatory gesture. "I just… I don't know. I think it's all pretty sad how we're all in this… weird love triangle, I mean, everyone, like, everywhere. You know?" Thomas started drawing imaginary patterns in the air, "this person liking this person" and he drew arrows pointing- "and this person liking another, and then another, and none… liking the one who likes them. 

The frown on Newt's face cleared to an understanding, and Thomas continued, "and I was thinking, maybe I could flip one of the arrows." He smiled stiffly, briefly, and stood up, backpack strapped onto his shoulder.

"Anyway… it was just a suggestion," he said lamely. He looked at Newt for a moment, and the other boy seemed deep in his thoughts, so he silently walked away.

"I… " Newt began, "Thomas?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger whoops.
> 
> 2nd chapter up! Short AF tho huhu orz
> 
> Newt and Thomas my children just get together already


	3. Snowflakes and a blonde boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And maybe it really was magic, that first snowfall. Because hovering next to him was the boy he wished for every Christmas, every birthday, every time it was possible to make a wish, every day.

This time, _Thomas_ was avoiding Newt. After his bold proposition, he had overthought himself the entire night, pacing, unable to sit still, wringing his hands and trying to keep his breathing from moving onto a full-blown panic attack. _He'd basically confessed, again, like the fucking desperate idiot he was._ Who knew what the repercussions it would bring this time? Maybe Newt would never talk to him ever again. He feels like vomiting at the thought, wishing he had some sort of filter that would stop his ridiculous thoughts from forming into words, leaving his mouth and creating shitstorms that led to Thomas' own destruction.

The black hole was crushing his ribs and Newt hadn't spoken to him since. Thomas had composed a million texts, almost called a million times before he'd chicken out. He did manage to send a lame "hey what's up" to Newt, who hadn't responded. And then the cycle had begun again - black hole, anxiety. _Don't panic_. He hadn't realized how attached he was to the other boy - how just the thought of their friendship ending was a massive blow against his gut, sending him reeling and needing to take in air. Maybe it was because he hadn't many friends. Brenda was - well he hadn't heard from her since their fallout, so. There was Minho, but then… Minho was closer to Newt than he was, and Thomas didn't know how to deal with the guy's constant jokes. And as for Teresa… he knew talking to her would only piss Brenda off. So basically… he was his own best friend.

Maybe he was just fucked up and too clingy.

It was now the fourth day since his miserable text that never got a reply, and Thomas had not left his aparment the entire time. He binged on pizza deliveries and Chinese takeout - basically anything that could be ordered without him having to leave the safety of his apartment, and watched the entire series of _The Office_ , wrapped up in a duvet as it got colder and colder outside, the perfect picture of someone who was heartbroken. He never even got a proper response, not the first time, not now. _God, was he never going to get any closure._ And how pathetic was it that he got rejected by the same guy? He allowed himself to wallow in self-pity yet again.

 

-

 

He was staring out his window when the first few snowflakes of the year began to fall. 

Thomas loved snow. His dark thoughts began to lighten as he went to put on his coat, and his boots, grabbing his keys and tugging his beanie down over his hair on the way out the front door. _Finally, one good thing,_ he thought, trudging down the two flights of stairs of his apartment building before going through the glass door to the outside chill.

It was freezing and he felt it the moment he stepped out, but it was also magic. Never mind that he'd seen a hundred snowfalls since he was a kid. It was still magic, the snowflakes falling from the sky and onto his nose, little icy bits of magic, covering the world in white, like a blank slate. And then he'd be able to start over. Form a new Thomas, a happier Thomas. All past mistakes erased and forgotten.

He flumped down onto the slightly snowy grass and looked towards the sky. 

He watched the snowflakes fall.

He listened to footsteps of people passing by.

He listened to hushed whispers as some people stared at him.

He watched, as a shadow formed right above him, as a familiar face of brown eyes and blonde hair and pale skin peered down at him.

He listened to that accent, in a bemused tone:

"It's a bit early to be tryin' to make bloody snow angels, don't you think?"

 

And maybe it really was magic, that first snowfall. Because hovering next to him was the boy he wished for every Christmas, every birthday, every time it was possible to make a wish, every day.

 

-

 

Newt had helped Thomas up, tugging at his gloved hand and pulling up the slightly dazed boy. Newt was dressed warmly in a cashmere pea coat and woolen scarf, his nose a bit pink from the cold, his hair tousled by the chilly air. Thomas himself realized how he must look right now, hair greasy under his beanie, his skin pale and pasty from a week of extremely unhealthy food and not going outside. He coughed and tried to blow air into his hands. Newt being here could be very good or very bad, and it was making him feel even colder.

Newt spoke first. "What are you doing out here, Tommy?" 

"It's… the outside of my apartment, I, guess?" and Newt laughed at that.

"I meant in the bloody cold, you buggin' moron."

Thomas glanced up at the sky and Newt watched him. "I just, I like the snow," he didn't know how to explain why without sounding like he was talking about fairy tales.

"Hmmm. It's better than rain."

Thomas made a noncommittal sound. He wasn't really up for small talk as they tiptoed around the issue, and rather wished Newt would just get it over with.

Newt coughed into his hand. Thomas waited. 

"About… " _Here it goes._

"Your… suggestion," Newt hummed slightly. He took a step towards Thomas, whose eyes were staring warily, watching Newt, like a terrified deer. Newt inched closer and took Thomas' gloved hand in his, linking their fingers. Thomas could feel the slight bit of warmth where they were touching, albeit separated by cloth. He could barely breathe.

"I think," and Newt was so close that Thomas could actually see the little crinkles around the boy's eyes, "we could try it, yeah?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo a bit of sweetness hehe. 
> 
> BTW my Newt's TBS. Always. In every way. In every fic I'll ever write HAHA.
> 
> P.S. Thomas is a bit... sad, as you can tell. I'm thinking that maybe I'll delve a little into his past as this fic goes along :) Hope you enjoyed! Comments are very welcome!


	4. Blurting out I love yous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll stay over, then." Newt slipped his hand into the pocket of Thomas' coat and took his key, proceeding to open the door. It was these gestures that made Thomas feel like they didn't just start dating, because it was so familiar and it was making him way too happy for this to be real.

Their hands were still linked as they walked on the rather sludgy streets, and somehow the snowflakes fluttering around made Thomas feel as though he was in some sort of dream. Newt holding his hand was poised to solidify that thought, but the chill prickling his nose and his exposed skin proved otherwise.  

Newt had suggested a late-night supper for the both of them - "The first snow and the first date, why not make anything any cheesier?" and Thomas could only nod and nod and nod - this actually made Newt laugh at him before tugging at his hand and making the aforementioned suggestion.

And somehow it was all the same and all different, simultaneously. Thomas had never actually gotten to the point where he'd imagined how they'd be like if they ever dated - and now here they were, and it was, so, so terribly, cliche-ly perfect. Like how Newt ordered food for the both of them, because he was familiar with what Thomas liked. The same could be said about the pizza deli he'd led them to - something familiar to both of them, comfortable. No overdoing things in the sudden shift from friendship to this relationship. And they were talking. Like they couldn't stop. And laughing and making jokes like normal but Newt was holding his hand and sitting close and not avoiding his eyes.

And nothing could ever trump this, ever. Thomas was falling (he was always, always, always, so this was nothing new) into the abyss that was Newt's hazel eyes and cheeky smile and witty quips. And  I love yous  were threatening to spill out from him quick and without much thought but he at least had the sense to hold back. This was still a bit of a trial - he knew that despite Newt's confident air of being a boyfriend - there was still a nervousness, a sort of hesitation in things. Newt was probably not even  sure he liked Thomas, but Thomas was glad for the chance. 

Okay, he wasn't just glad, he was overjoyed. Overjoyed to the point of being stunned shitless that Newt was actually his boyfriend. After years of pining endlessly…

"Earth to Tommy," a breath in his ear. And yes, Thomas thought of Newt that way, and him whispering in his ear after all the hand-holding and hope-giving was revving Thomas' engines up. He was beginning to wonder if it was on purpose - Newt had been all touchy feely the whole time.

"Right, I am on earth," he smiled - a bit too wide but why does it matter? He was HAPPY. And Newt rolled his eyes in this fond way and took Thomas' hand again and yes, the touchy feely thing was okay, and very much so.

 

-

 

The walk back to Thomas' apartment went too fast. It was too fast even though they walked as slow as they could, and took the long detours - even though it was already cold as all hell and Thomas' fingers were numb. It was too fast even though Newt proceeded to walk him to his unit, trudging slowly over the stairs like they were tired.

And now they were standing outside the door, unsure of how to part ways.

"It's uh - getting really, really late and - uh, cold, yeah?" Thomas began, and Newt had hummed without a reply. Thomas wasn't sure where to go from there. Should he… ask Newt to stay over? Was that too forward? Wasn’t it just a few hours ago that this relationship started? Of course, Newt had stayed over a few times before, but that was when they were friends. He wasn't sure of the protocol (or if there even was one) for dealing with a situation wherein a friend who used to stay over has turned into the boyfriend who just took him on a first date and who, if asked to stay over, might think other, suggestive things. And might be repulsed.

Newt was quite unresponsive, so Thomas decided to take the safe side.

"So… you'll be okay? I mean, not that you can't take care of yourself, I mean that, you know, it's cold and, dark, -"

"I'll stay over, then." Newt slipped his hand into the pocket of Thomas' coat and took his key, proceeding to open the door. It was these gestures that made Thomas feel like they didn't just start dating, because it was so familiar and it was making him way too happy for this to be real.

Newt was already taking his coat and boots off, settling himself into the couch. Thomas was still stood at the threshold, trying to figure out what to do now \- so he just stood near the couch, barely daring to sit.

"D'you want, cocoa, maybe?"

"Jeez, Tommy, you don't have to be so formal with me," and Newt tugged him down, so they were officially squished together on the couch. Literally, shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm and all that - the couch was pretty small. Not that Thomas was complaining, he liked the contact, he really did.

"Ya know, Tommy," Newt mumbled, "you don't have to be so… scared."

"I-" But Thomas realized he was. He was overjoyed but terrified, because this sort of happiness and miraculous luck was something he was terribly unaccustomed to.

"I get it, yeah? But we're dating now," and Newt was slowly taking his hand, intertwining their fingers. It was really quiet and quite nice, warm and -

"I really love you," Thomas blurted out (foot in mouth disease, as always) and Newt paused for a while as Thomas stared at him. At this point Thomas was slowly working himself into an internal panic attack, which, thankfully, was averted.

All thanks to Newt's warm fingers on his chin, the tug, and the gentle meeting of lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo merry Christmas, everybody!!!
> 
> I am SO SORRY this took so long. What with finals month (not sleeping, stressing out, mental breakdowns etc.) and then Christmas preparations, I wasn't able to give this story any attention. Forgive me, please orz


	5. When it's all good, nothing's ever bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before, it was guilty thoughts that would suddenly pop up, secret thoughts of blonde hair and pink lips and pale skin… now it was literally all day thoughts of blonde hair and pink lips and pale skin.

Hand-holding. Walking to and from classes together. Newt accompanying Thomas to his workplace (Thomas worked his weekdays at a coffee shop near their university) and hanging out there, studying or, well, flirting with Thomas. Sometimes Newt brought along their mutual friend Minho - though the Asian always complained about always being the third wheel. It wasn't as though Thomas was flirting - at least, all he knew was that he was a bumbling, blushing wreck every time Newt teased him (Minho found this pretty damn hilarious, actually, to see the silent Thomas all worked up and stuttering).

Being with them made Thomas wonder about Brenda and Teresa… Thomas hadn't spoken to either one of them since he and Brenda's fallout, so. Sometimes, he wondered whether Newt talks to them - they were pretty close, after all, and whether they knew about him and Thomas. Maybe then Brenda wouldn't see him as a rival anymore - not that he ever was, but still. He missed Brenda. The fact that Newt had been in love with her was not enough to deter him from seeing her as one of his closest friends.

The day almost always ended with one of them staying at the other's place - movies, take out, and kisses. And boy did they kiss. Newt's kisses jumped from passionate as all sin to languid and druggy, and he paced Thomas to go along with him. Druggy they were, all right, and Thomas could hardly stop himself from kissing Newt. It never mattered who initiated the kisses now - only that they were kissing, and Newt's lips were sweet and red and bitten, and Newt's tongue was fiery hot and silky, intertwining with his. Thomas couldn't even stop _thinking_ about kissing Newt. He couldn't stop thinking about Newt period.

Before, it was guilty thoughts that would suddenly pop up, secret thoughts of blonde hair and pink lips and pale skin… now it was literally _all_ day thoughts of blonde hair and pink lips and pale skin.

Sometimes, Newt would be talking and Thomas would get distracted by those lips, staring and staring and daydreaming ( _Jesus_ , those lips were so _pink_ , how was that even _possible_?) and then Newt would be laughing at him and they'd be kissing, Thomas tugging Newt's hair and tangling his fingers in it (Newt loved that, he figured - the blonde would groan and gasp and kiss harder and hotter, hands roaming).

They haven't gone anywhere further than the kissing and the roaming hands, and, to be honest, Thomas was relieved. He knew, of course, how the whole thing worked (and as early as now he already knew he'd be the bottom, Newt was dominating during their kissing sessions, so he didn't expect any difference when it came to sex) but he was pretty damn terrified of the pain more than anything. Plus Newt didn't try to initiate anything - his hands never got any lower than Thomas' waist besides to rest on his hipbones and stroke the skin there (his fingers were hot, burning Thomas' skin).

 

-

 

Thomas was wandering around campus, waiting for Newt to finish up his studying - _How will I get any studying done with someone as fucking hot as you around, Tommy?_ he'd said, and to be honest Thomas agreed. _He_ wouldn't be able to even read with Newt around. They'd probably just end up kissing instead, as they always do.

He found himself in front of the Northeast Library - where Newt was, and abruptly decided to go ahead and fetch the blonde. 

Thomas wandered through bookshelves, trying to catch a glimpse of blonde hair. The library was so large that no space was crowded, and even though he was sure there were currently hundreds of students in the library, the place still seemed empty. It could've been the intended design - so the library was always silent for studying students.

He spotted Minho chatting up a girl with braided blonde hair who was stacking books, and waved. Minho gave the girl a brief peck on the lips (she giggled, and whispered at his ear) before walking towards Thomas.

Thomas raised his eyebrows. "Girlfriend?"

Minho hummed, rocking forward and backward on his feet. He caught Thomas' eye and winked. "One of 'em."

"Jesus. Do they know?"

"Yeah-" "And they're okay with it?"

"Whaddaya think? Told 'em there was enough of Minho for everyone."

Thomas burst out laughing. "I don't know how you do it."

"Course you don't. Newt's got you on a leash, yeah?" They were both laughing.

"Anyways, man, what brings you to the Northeast, miles away from your building? Hmm." Minho tapped his chin, pretending to think. "The blondest briti-"

Thomas' eyes were still searching, he was barely listening. "Looking for Newt, he's studying here," he interrupted. 

Minho smirked. "Ah, of course. I saw him earlier on. Come on man," he gestured towards a section secluded by tall bookshelves. "He's studying with Brenda." 

"Just them?"

Minho gave him an odd look. "Yeah, man. Same course and everything, right?"

Thomas froze up, before tamping all the dark feelings down. Newt was studying with Brenda? He never said… but then, Thomas never asked. But, just the two of them, and - and Newt knew Brenda was Thomas' best friend… maybe he was just trying to be kind. He knew about the fallout, after all. Thomas let himself follow Minho. He was feeling quite numb. Minho pointed towards one of the quiet group study cartels, and Thomas nodded. Minho gave him a two fingered salute before taking off, probably to go back to _his_ blonde.

He turned towards where Minho had pointed, and his steps slowed. His heart was thumping, and bad, bad thoughts were beginning to churn in his mind, even though he fought to keep them down. A knot was already forming in his stomach.

He peered over a bookshelf. 

His best friend (he still thought so), and his boyfriend, poring over a text book. They were sitting pretty close, or was that just Thomas' mind? Newt was reading something while Brenda wrote diligently on an open notebook. She cocked her head and muttered something, making Newt laugh. A sort of light, high pitched giggle before a full blown, mouth open laugh. _He is so beautiful_ , was the first thought that hit Thomas. Brenda had begun laughing as well, and Newt flicked her on the cheek, trying to stifle his laughter. 

The second thought, after Thomas had turned round and walked out of the library and into the snowy-white chill, was that he didn't know that laugh.

 

-

 

 _The scene had just been his old best friend and his boyfriend studying together_ , Thomas thought. No one would think it was weird - other people would be happy the people they cared about were getting along so well. What bugged him was that Newt had been in love with Brenda before. When was that, a month ago? Since he'd made the proposal and everything… and then now. And that Newt never mentioned Brenda once, ever, even though… but the worst was the laugh. Thomas had never seen Newt… that happy. And carefree. With Thomas, Newt was cocky, confident, flirty, teasing. He never… _Stop_ , Thomas thought. The awful, distrustful, dark thoughts were crippling - he'd been so happy lately that he'd almost forgotten how to deal with those thoughts. 

His phone pinged with a new text _._ Newt.

 

> _Done studyin. U still at work?_  

 

> _Nope. Outside library._

 

Thomas only waited five extra minutes for Newt to come out, wearing his usual pea coat and a stocking cap over his blonde hair. He took Thomas' hand. Familiar and comfortable. 

"Your hands are really cold, didya wait long?" Newt asked.

Thomas shook his head. "It's just - really cold out." He had actually been there for half an hour - since he'd walked out, and thought and thought and tried to let the cold numb all the terrible thoughts churning inside him.

And then Newt smiled at him brightly, squeezing his hand. "Take-out at your place?" 

All the dark thoughts Thomas had disappeared _. You do this to me_ , he thought, as he smiled back at Newt _. You make everything good again._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chap! Enjoy! Comments etc are welcome <3
> 
> I'm sensing trouble huhu T_________T
> 
> P.S. Minho makes an appearance!!!  
> P.P.S. I PASSED THE SEM GUYS I MADE IT WITH NO FAILURES *throws confetti*  
> P.P.P.S. New semester begins in a few days orz


	6. All the sounds you make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't know how I can even think straight with you beside me," panted Newt, as he grazed Thomas' ear with his teeth, "looking this bloody hot, it's a crime..."

Newt's hands were roaming up Thomas' shirt, warm against his skin; mapping out the sensitive parts along the brunette's back and making Thomas mewl appreciatively. Newt's mouth tasted like coffee - he'd dropped by Thomas' workplace earlier for a "pre-study" caffeine boost, before deciding he also needed a Thomas boost, dragging the brunette to the slightly secluded study area of the cafe and engaging in a very heated make-out session.

Newt's hands were roaming farther - he had now placed them on Thomas' chest, outlining his muscles. Thomas gasped as the blonde tugged at a nipple, before placing his hands gingerly on Newt's chest and giving him a light shove. Newt pouted at him and he tried to suppress a smile.

"We can't do this here," Thomas muttered, with a gentle kiss that turned into a surprised moan, as Newt gently rutted against him, "n-no one's manning the c-counter and I - I thought you had some studying to do!" 

Newt pulled away. He sighed dramatically before trying to fix himself - his hair was sticking up in all directions and his shirt was askew - "cock blocked by my own boyfriend," he muttered, pouting exaggeratedly. "Plus no-one's even here," he gestured at the empty cafe. "Nobody'll know you had a quickie at the backroom with me." Thomas, slightly flustered by Newt's words, and feeling slightly guilty at ending their make-out session, held the blonde's hand as he led him out of the cafe. He then placed his hands on the sides of Newt's face and kissed him squarely on the mouth, pleasantly surprised at the look of surprise on Newt's face - the unconcealed look of want in his eyes.

"I'll see you later then," the brunette whispered with a final peck, and he waved as he watched Newt's leaving form.

Thomas dawdled at the cafe, absently wiping down tables and trying to do anything with his hands to stop himself from thinking. Study group. That was with Brenda, just her and Newt, at a secluded area of the library. He rubbed his hands together - he suddenly felt nastily cold again, even though the cafe had a toasty warm temperature to battle the dropped temperature outside. Newt still hadn't told him that his study sessions were with Brenda, the girl he'd been in love with for ages...

What worried Thomas was that Newt had hid it from him; he never mentioned that he was studying with anyone - it was complete coincidence that Thomas found out.

He shook his head, trying to stop thinking, and his frame of thought moved to another rather daunting, but at the same time exciting, topic. Sex. Kissing Newt had become hotter lately, tongues and skin and teeth. Hands roaming farther. The rutting thing though, that was new. He blushed as he re-imagined that moment, the almost desperate look in Newt's face as their crotches slid together, albeit separated by cloth. And it wasn't like Thomas wanted to stop, he just didn't want their first time in some public cafe with no preparations at all (plus if they got caught, Thomas would've gotten sacked).

He had all the things that they needed, though, in his apartment. _Maybe tonight… they'd go further_ , he thought, but he was soon distracted by a group of students who entered the cafe, all eager for caffeine and heat.

 

-

 

It was nearly two hours later when Thomas received a text from Newt, telling him that he was going to be late - they agreed to just meeting up at Thomas' apartment in a about an hour, and that he was staying over.

Thomas' stomach gave a little flip. It wasn't as though this would be Newt's first time staying over, in fact, Newt practically lived in Thomas' apartment already. Oftentimes they'd fall asleep curled up together after watching a movie, other times in Thomas' bed, with swollen mouths and hickeys scattered on necks and shoulders. He could feel his face burning up - his imagination had a tendency to go wild, and after this morning's session… he remembered the look in Newt's eyes, dilated eyes and slightly open pink mouth… he shook his head. He was already feeling nervous (and extremely excited).

He decided to work a little overtime as the kid taking the shift after him was new, and he wasn't going to meet Newt until an hour. Aris - the new kid - was eager and nervous; he stuttered through taking orders and seemed really shy. Thomas felt as though he was seeing himself back when he only just started working here, and didn't give the boy a hard time. When Thomas was about to leave, however, Aris shook his hand warmly and thanked him for staying to help. Thomas just smiled, liking the boy, and stepped out of the café, where he promptly bumped into a very tall, blonde boy. Newt smiled his breathtaking smile.

"Thought I'd stop by just in case," he said, taking Thomas' hand as they walked side-by-side on the snowy street, "lucky you were still here." He kissed the top of Thomas' head whilst wrapping his arm around the brunette's waist.

"I was helping the new kid," Thomas mumbled, willing himself not to blush. Newt's presence had unleashed a swarm of butterflies fluttering inside his stomach.

It was getting dark already - the wind was colder and Thomas found himself pressed against Newt for warmth. When they began walking up the steps to Thomas' unit, Newt began to get a little touchier - he was practically wrapped around Thomas which made it difficult to go up the stairs, not to mention Newt would stop every now and then to give the brunette hickeys or to kiss - deep, searing kisses that made Thomas feel as though he was drunk, before pulling away and continuing up the stairs.

"Don't know how I can even think straight with you beside me," panted Newt, as he grazed Thomas' ear with his teeth, "looking this bloody hot, it's a crime..."

Thomas answered with a kiss, running his hand through Newt's blonde locks. He found he was almost unable to speak. "Y-yeah? Speak... s-speak for y-yourself."

"I love making you fall apart like this," Newt whispered in his ear.

Thomas was so full of want that he could barely think straight - all he could focus on was getting to his apartment, and continuing everything, no pauses, no stops…

 

-

 

Thomas' hand shook as he tried to get his key into the lock - Newt was pressing onto him from behind, kissing and sucking at his neck. The moment he was able to open the door, Newt pushed him inside, and pulled him into the bedroom, where they locked lips once again. Tongues battling. Newt's hands had dipped under Thomas' shirt, lifting it and exploring the expanse of tan skin before Thomas pulled away and took off his shirt. Newt did the same, dropping it onto the floor. He walked Thomas backwards towards the bed as he loosened Thomas' jeans, pulling it off and throwing it aside before doing the same to his own.

Thomas panted as Newt's eyes took in his body greedily.

"You're so fucking _hot_ , Tommy," he whispered. He pushed Thomas onto the bed, kissing him thoroughly, before letting his lips explore - he sucked and bit and kissed down on Thomas' body, leaving love bruises and making Thomas whimper. He crawled back up to press his lips chastely against the brunette's, and gently rubbed his clothed crotch against him.

The burst of pleasure made Thomas moan uncontrollably, and he followed Newt's movements, moving his hips upward to meet with the blonde's thrusts. He could feel it, he felt so close already…

Newt stopped moving, and Thomas mewled unhappily.

"Bloody - wait a second," Newt groaned softly. He moved towards the edge of the bed where the nightstand was - opened a drawer and took out a foil packet and a bottle of lube. Thomas watched him, his eyes round and nervous, though glittering with anticipation.

"Okay?" Newt whispered. Thomas nodded.

Newt slowly removed Thomas' briefs, and the brunette squirmed, feeling embarrassed, but he was so much more turned on. Newt was already squeezing lube onto his fingers. A few moments later and Thomas could feel cold, slippery fingers pressing against him, teasing his rim. He watched Newt, whose face was one of utmost concentration. A finger slipped in, and Thomas gasped.

"Bloody hell, the face you make," Newt whispered. He groaned again as he move his finger inside Thomas. "You're so… tight…"

Newt continued to move his finger, loosening Thomas, and then inserting one, two, three more. Every now and then he would kiss Thomas' inner thigh, whispering endearments ad telling him he was doing so well. Thomas' eyes were shut tight and he was feeling uncomfortably stretched, and yet when Newt moved his fingers a certain way, he felt something… something…

"Ahhh!" Thomas gasped out, his back arching, and his eyes opening wide. Newt's eyes on him were dark with lust, and he removed his fingers. He raised Thomas' leg, hooking it over his shoulder, and positioned himself at the brunette's entrance. He pushed in.

Thomas felt as though he was being cleaved in half… Newt was so big, he could feel every part of the blonde lining his walls, pressing against it, loosening him. The exquisite pain made everything seem realistic, but when Newt's dick pressed deeper and hit that wonderful bundle of nerves, Thomas lost his mind, any control or embarrassment he had initially. He began to urge Newt to move in deeper - he could take it, he needed it, practically begging. He didn't want Newt to be gentle; he wanted Newt to slam against him until he saw stars.

Newt had no trouble complying to Thomas' continued, chorused pleas of _oh yes, oh god, more, harder, please, yes, faster_ as he himself could barely control himself - his thrusts were erratic and slammed so hard into the brunette's lower body that it was no longer on the bed, and the bed was shaking and creaking as though it was about to break. But neither cared as hips moved and mouths panted and Newt kept hitting the spot that made Thomas' eyes cross, so hard and fast that he was... he was...

A spurt of white splattered across both of their chests and Thomas rode out his orgasm as Newt spilled thickly inside him, not stopping his thrusts until Thomas' moans had become little yelps. He collapsed against Thomas' chest, too tired to pull out. Both were breathless for a few minutes, laying still and trying to catch their breaths. Newt pulled out, and sitting up languidly, he reached for the nearest piece of fabric he could find (which, incidentally, was Thomas' shirt) and wiped them both down.

He kissed Thomas again - a gentle, chaste kiss before he smiled and tucked his head at the crook of Thomas' neck, spooning him. Thomas, with the last bit of strength he had left, tugged his blanket over them both before promptly falling asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elo!!! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this haha the entire chapter is basically just about sex *drinks holy water* with feelings 
> 
> I got the title from "Addicted" by Saving Abel <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZhLbaVmeZY this song is so hot JFC O_O


	7. Where are we?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas awoke to someone gently kissing the back of his neck, his shoulders. Sunlight was spilling through the window - he felt warm and sated, though a little sore. He turned over to face Newt, and he felt his breath stop. The blonde's hair was mussed up, locks sticking up in every direction. His skin was pale but glowing, somehow - and looking lower Thomas noticed the purplish love bites and bruises scattered across Newt's skin.

Thomas awoke to someone gently kissing the back of his neck, his shoulders. Sunlight was spilling through the window - he felt warm and sated, though a little sore. He turned over to face Newt, and he felt his breath stop. The blonde's hair was mussed up, locks sticking up in every direction. His skin was pale but glowing, somehow - and looking lower Thomas noticed the purplish love bites and bruises scattered across Newt's skin. And then Newt smiled, whispering a gentle good morning. Thomas had never seen anyone look so beautiful in his entire life, and his mind took a step back, his eyes just staring. To drink up, to sear into his mind the image of Newt lying beside him, like he was the happiest person on earth. _Thomas_ was the happiest person on earth. He trailed his fingers over Newt's cheek, before leaning forward and locking their lips.

 

-

 

It took the two quite a few more rounds before they were properly sated - Thomas had skipped class, unable to get out of bed due to Newt clinging and grabbing at him, resulting in another session. It was quite a few hours later that Thomas managed - very, very reluctantly, to extricate himself from Newt, to get dressed and ready for work. He was due in half an hour and loathe as he might to leave Newt - Newt, who was warm and soft and _naked_ on his bed, pouting adorably and trying to persuade Thomas to get back into bed with him. He leaned over to give Newt a peck on the lips before he turned to leave.

Thomas was slipping his feet into his sneakers when he heard Newt creep behind him, and noticed that the blonde was already dressed, tapping on his phone.

"Going out too?" The brunette asked.

"Gonna study. Since my boyfriend isn't going to lay in bed with me all day, might as well." Newt grabbed his bag from the sofa and went to the door. "I'll see you after, though, at the café. Okay?"

He left with a charming smile, shutting the door and leaving Thomas behind. Thomas felt as if he'd done something wrong - the blonde seemed like he was eager to leave, despite his earlier attempts at trying to make the brunette stay. He was able to shrug it off easily though, as he was still in a state of euphoria.

 

-

 

The café was pretty full, there were lots of students seated alone or in groups, gulping down coffee and tapping on laptops. Thomas kept watching for a head of blonde hair - it had been four hours already and he wondered where Newt was. His phone pinged and he felt sudden relief until he looked at the screen.

 

> Can't meet tonight. Sorry.

 

Thomas felt his stomach plunge, and his hands turn icy. _Man, what happened to me,_ he thought. He hadn't expected himself to be as worried as he was that Newt didn't want to see him, especially since they'd spent barely any time without each other's presence. _Especially_ because of the previous night's activities. Maybe that was why. No - Newt was as enthusiastic as he was, it couldn't have been the sex. Or maybe it was. An insidious thought crept into Thomas' mind. Maybe there was nothing else Newt wanted but sex, and now, he got it.

Thomas shook his head. _Trust him, you idiot_.

Before anything, Newt was his friend. Before this relationship, Newt was his friend. And he knew, he _knew_ that Newt was not like that. _Maybe he's with Brenda_ , the dark recess of his mind whispered, _they were studying together, weren't they? Maybe they decided to_ \- Thomas tried to place a clamp over his grim thoughts. _Newt's just busy tonight. It's just a one off._

 

-

 

That it wasn't a one off sort of thing echoed in Thomas' mind almost two weeks later, as he received another text from Newt, telling him that Newt's finals were coming up, and that he was too busy to meet up. Thomas himself stayed at the café much longer now, studying in one of the corners before and after his shift.

He had tried calling every now and then, but Newt seemed exhausted and much too busy. But not even to just drop by… Newt had always managed to drop by at least once a day, even before they started dating. He always needed his caffeine boost, and studied at the café. Even Minho, who was Newt's course mate, dropped in a few times to mess with Thomas, bringing a new girl with him every time, to study with. He always asked the brunette where Newt was, and Thomas always managed to scrape up an excuse.

"No blondie today?" Minho walked up to the counter. He was with the girl from the library - the one with the braided hair. "Two cappuccinos," he added.

"Nah… he's studying." Thomas replied, tapping at the machine. "I'll bring it to your table."

"Ugh, study, study, study," the blonde girl said, surprising Thomas with her British accent. "He needs to have some bloody fun, that one."

"Well… it's his finals week," Minho said.

"It's _your_ finals week as well, but you still spend time with me, don't you?" she snorted. Thomas was staring at the both of them in slight bemusement, and the girl turned to him.

She smiled. "I'm sorry, I never said. I'm Sonya. I'm Newt's sister." Both Thomas and Minho gaped.

"What? You're Newt's _sister_?" Minho looked a little freaked.

Sonya laughed. "Of course Newt hasn't told the both of you about me. Bloody secretive bastard that he is."

"Well, um, nice to meet you," Thomas said, trying not to smile awkwardly. "I'm Newt's-"

"Boyfriend," she filled in, smirking enigmatically. How she knew, Thomas couldn't even guess. "I was wondering why Newt never seemed to come home anymore."

"Okay, okay… I'm over it, you're Newt's sister, whatever," Minho began, "Anyway, Thomas, my friend, my buddy, I love you, but this is cutting into my Sonya time."

Sonya gave a giggle and she tugged at Minho's hand, leading him to a table. "Nice meeting you, Thomas!" she called out.

Thomas gave them a little wave.  He still couldn't get over the fact that he didn't know Newt had a sister. In all the years they were friends… even when they started dating. At that moment, Thomas felt like he didn't know Newt at all. He wanted to talk to Newt so badly, so badly.

He took out his phone and dialed Newt's number. No answer. He tucked his phone back into his pocket and gripped the counter. It was Newt's finals week, and Thomas understood. He just wasn't used to this. Being together with Newt all the time and so much that Thomas' days had molded themselves to include the blonde all the time, and now it was like he no longer knew what to do with his time.

He took his phone out again and texted Newt.

 

> I miss you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonya finally makes more of an appearance! :D It's kind of a filler chapter... I promise I'll post the next chapter ASAP hehe it's almost done anyways :)) Enjoy! Comments etc are welcome <3
> 
> P.S. Poor Tommy  
> P.P.S. I wonder where Newt is huhu


	8. And now we're sinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas turned and saw Teresa smiling prettily at him, her skin paler than ever due to the cold, a stark contrast against her dark hair.

Thomas was just giving a few final instructions to Aris when another customer walked in. He wasn't paying any heed to it, busily signing out of his shift card, and he didn't expect anyone to call out to him.

"Hello, Tom." He turned and saw Teresa smiling prettily at him, her skin paler than ever due to the cold, a stark contrast against her dark hair. He hadn't spoken to her in months and fumbled for an appropriate response.

"Err... hi."

She laughed. "Have a coffee with me? It's been ages since we've last gotten together!"

As she turned over to the counter to order, Thomas looked longingly towards the door but didn't try to escape. Seeing Teresa reminded him of Brenda, and how long it was since they'd last spoken…

He waited for Teresa, and together they sat on one of the window-side coffee tables. Thomas drummed his fingers against the table while Teresa sipped her coffee serenely.

"How's Brenda?" Thomas said bluntly.

He saw the calm smile slowly dissolve from Teresa's face, followed by a blank, controlled look of concealed anger. She gave him a little glare.

"Why is it that everyone wants Brenda?"

Thomas raised his eyebrow at her. "She happens to be my best friend. I mean, she was." Until you fucked everything up, he added in his mind, trying not to get angry. He liked Teresa, but she had been the reason Thomas started distancing himself from Brenda - from both of them, actually.

"We've broken up," she told him contemptuously, taking a deep gulp of coffee. "About two weeks ago."

"What - but you guys were - were -" Were really real. Despite Teresa's tendency to flirt with anything that moved, Thomas had seen that the girl had eyes only for Brenda, and that they truly loved one another.

"She's dating that other guy now," Teresa interrupted him.

"Who?" Thomas asked.

She looked at him questioningly. "The British guy, your best friend… Newt, right? Didn't he tell you?"

Thomas felt his stomach turn, felt his insides grow cold. "Wh-what? When was that?"

Teresa shrugged, her forehead furrowing. "I don't know… they're just always together, you know? Like, just the two of them… all happy and shit…" She was so mad she barely noticed the expression on Thomas' face.

Thomas stood up suddenly. "I, uh, I have to go - I, it was nice seeing you, uh, again, Teresa," he muttered, before walking out of the café, leaving a bemused looking Teresa.

I trust Newt, he thought, as he walked briskly on the sidewalks. He began running, trying to beat the cold, and trying to stop his mind from taking that dark turn. He kept thinking the words over and over in his head, but it barely worked against the dark hole that reared itself inside Thomas.

 

-

 

Thomas arrived, panting, at the steps leading up to the Northeast library. Two weeks. That was… that was when Newt started disappearing from his life, so suddenly.

Snow clung to the brunette's coat, his hair… He clambered up, and entered the massive doors into the warm lobby of the library, where many students were currently gathered, putting on coats and readying their outfits for the outdoor chill. Others like him who had just entered were busy depositing coats at one end of the lobby.

He looked around and immediately spotted a blonde head of hair (he was made for this, made for finding Newt in a crowd), and saw Brenda standing next to him, helping him put on his scarf, tying it around Newt's neck… it was so intimate, and Thomas couldn't help but think that they looked exactly like a couple. He watched them, invisible in the crowd, as Brenda leaned over wrapped her arms around Newt, who did so in return, placing his head on the crook of her neck.

Thomas was already walking towards them. They look perfect for each other, he thought bitterly, sadly. He was blocked by a group of students, and he called out, waving an arm.

"Newt!"

The blonde seemed to have recognize his voice, and his head snapped up immediately. The shock that snapped on Newt's face filled Thomas with slight satisfaction, and he pushed down the lump in his throat, ignored the swirling darkness in his stomach. He had let go of Brenda, who'd turned and spotted Thomas as well. She clearly had no clue of anything - she looked over at him and gave him a shy, slightly awkward smile.

He gave them both a smile, the biggest he could, determinedly not meeting Newt's eyes. It was a frozen moment wherein none of them moved.

Thomas waved nonchalantly before turning, pushing through the throng of students around him and rushing out of the library as fast as his feet could take him. He tried to numb himself. But of course. Didn't it make sense? Teresa and Brenda had broken up… Newt finally had a chance. He pressed his knuckles against his eyes, trying to block out the world. But I wish he'd told me. I wish he ended it first, at least… didn't I deserve even that? I didn't even know - he just went away - I wish -

But Newt finally had a chance, a shot, to be with the person who made him happiest. Thomas had asked for a chance to try be the one to make Newt happy, but now… now he had Brenda. What was Thomas compared to the person Newt really loved?

He stopped in his tracks and turned, standing still as he looked at the Northeast library, at the throng of students exiting the building. He watched as a figure pushed itself from the crowd and looked around. He watched as Newt finally spotted him and started running towards him.

Thomas swallowed down the lump forming in his throat. He ignored the black hole shifting inside him, swallowing him from the inside, numbing everything the best he could, and arranged his features into something that resembled calmness… nonchalance. He was good at this, at least, and there was no point making Newt feel guilty about Thomas' own decision.

It was okay. He was going to let go, and it was okay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, painful chapter huhu :(
> 
> NEWT EXPLAIN YOURSELF
> 
> As always, comments etc are welcome! Hope you guys are enjoying the series <3


	9. But not what you needed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted Newt forever. He'd wanted Newt forever the first time he met him, when Newt was all friendly smiles and witty jokes. He wanted Newt forever even as he was staring out a dark window knowing he had gotten rejected. He wanted Newt forever when Newt had come up to him and given him a chance.

_Newt's eyes are so brown_ , Thomas thought.

He was staring, his face blank and slightly dazed, at Newt, who seemed to be talking. The haze of numbness was clouding his mind - all he could get himself to do was to take in Newt, everything about Newt, to make sure his mind remembers that right now, he _can_ , that right now, he could stare and love as much as he want, because knew was that this was it. This was the ending, and - Thomas was taking it back, he was, he was - because he was not okay.

He wanted Newt forever. He'd wanted Newt forever the first time he met him, when Newt was all friendly smiles and witty jokes. He wanted Newt forever even as he was staring out a dark window knowing he had gotten rejected. He wanted Newt forever when Newt had come up to him and given him a chance. Newt was the only person in the world who'd made Thomas actually truly believe in something so ridiculous as forever, even though - and Thomas finally admitted to himself - he'd known, really, really deep inside, that being together with Newt was not something that would last.

But maybe the forever was not meant to be romantic - he really was just going to be Newt's best friend, _forever_.

He watched Newt's lips mouth words he couldn't listen to. He reminded himself that it was okay, that this was worth it, that the smile he'd seen on Newt's face when Thomas saw him with Brenda was worth it, was worth everything he was giving up. He mustered the energy to listen to Newt again, trying to make sense of what the blonde had been saying.

"-isn't, isn't what you think"

"I wouldn't, you know I wouldn't-"

"it's just-"

Thomas leaned over and laid his forehead on Newt's chest. The taller boy stopped talking, and grasped his elbow.

"Thomas?" he whispered.

"Teresa broke up with Brenda," the brunette whispered, "two weeks ago."

Newt stiffened slightly, but his grip on Thomas' arm tightened. He began talking, but Thomas cut him off.

"Tell me… you weren't seeing her," Thomas said, his voice muffled by Newt's coat as he inched closer.

Newt wrapped his arms around Thomas. "I wasn't, Tommy, really."

Thomas shook his head, but Newt continued, "she was feeling pretty bad - like shit, really… and it was finals week, so I was - I was trying to keep us alive, you know? I couldn't abandon her like that… but that was all… I never tried to…" _If you weren't with me, you could have_ , Thomas thought, _but you are so good_.

"You were already studying with her ages ago…"

Newt tensed. "I wanted to tell you, but… you two…" he trailed off. Thomas was right - Newt _was_ thinking about Thomas and Brenda's strained relationship. He was so much of a good guy that he hid his study dates from Thomas because of that, not because he was meeting her… but that was beyond the point.

Silence stretched on for a minute - Newt, confident, witty Newt, seemed lost for words.

"You've got a chance now, you know," Thomas whispered. He felt Newt tense once more, but the blonde didn't speak.

Thomas brought his arms up to wrap around Newt. "You know, I always thought… that we'd just be friends," he began, "the fact that… that we actually… that we… " Thomas swallowed, the lump in his throat felt like a massive ball preventing him from speaking. He cleared his throat.

"That we got - together, is amazing. I never thought - not for once - that it was possible."

He gently extricated himself from Newt's embrace. The blonde was staring at him, his face unreadable.

Thomas continued. "And I'm really, really glad that you - that you gave me that chance, you know? And it's enough. What we had is more than enough to light up the rest of my life."

The brunette grasped both of the blondes' hands.

"I know you love her, Newt," he whispered, "and I know how much happier you'd be with her… and now you've got a chance, yeah? I mean - " Thomas attempted a cheery tone, "you gave me a chance to be with you, and now I'm - I'm giving you the chance to be with her, to be happy with her. You… you of all the people I know… _so_ deserve that."

Thomas was smiling now. His eyes were watery and he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach multiple times, but he smiled as brightly as he could to Newt.

"I love you, Newt. I love you so, so much, and I want you to be so, so happy."

He rubbed the wetness from his eyes. The blonde still hadn't said a word, standing still as a statue, his hands wrapped in Thomas'.

"So… let's be friends, yeah?" Thomas grinned at Newt, as he let go of the blonde's hands.

Thomas felt his chest contract when his eyes met with Newt's, and he saw the guilt, the anguish, in those beautiful brown orbs. His smile faltered slightly.

Newt enveloped Thomas in a lengthy embrace. Thomas thought he could hear the other boy crying, but he wasn't sure - he was crying as well, and maybe the sobs were his own.

The blonde was speaking, his voice was muffled at Thomas' neck.

"I'm _sorry_ , Tommy," he whispered. He pulled back, placing both his hands on Thomas' cheeks. _He did cry_ , Thomas thought, noticing the tear stains on the other boys' eyes. Newt pressed his forehead against Thomas'.

"I do love you, but…"

_You love her more_ , Thomas thought.

Thomas stood back as he watched the person he wanted the most walk away from him, to go to the person _he_ wanted the most. Waiting until Newt's figure disappeared and Thomas was standing alone on the snowy pavement. He lay down and started making a snow angel, smiling despite everything inside his body that was threatening to crush him completely. Not yet. He bolstered himself with the happiest thoughts. It had been like the miracle of miracles, being with Newt.

At least he knew what it felt, to be Newt's, even though they were not end game.

They were not end game.

Thomas' tears blurred the entire world then, and he watched blurry snowflakes fall from the dark sky.

_But oh, did he wish they were._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was painful to write huhu ughhh Thomassss my child :((
> 
> As always, hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! Comments etc are appreciated <3


	10. Cause I'm a fucking mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He imagined going home, and then he imagined Newt - squished against him on the sofa, curled up with him on the bed - and no, he couldn't go home. He couldn't, no, not yet - not ever, whispered his brain - face going to his apartment and looking at their life together - two mugs in the sink, a mix of both of their clothes in the wardrobe, their toothbrushes in his tiny bathroom, little bits and pieces that were Newt, everywhere, when everything was over.

It was after his fifth snow angel that Thomas finally decided to go home. The snow was falling much more thickly now, and the earlier snow angels he'd made were almost covered up, not that he could see them that clearly - it had been hours since, and it was much too dark; the few lamposts were too far from him to be bright enough. As Thomas brushed the snow from his clothes, he realized that he was freezing - his hands were numb and his teeth were chattering.

He imagined going home, and then he imagined Newt - squished against him on the sofa, curled up with him on the bed - and _no_ , he couldn't go home. He couldn't, no, not yet - _not ever_ , whispered his brain - face going to his apartment and looking at their life together - two mugs in the sink, a mix of both of their clothes in the wardrobe, their toothbrushes in his tiny bathroom, little bits and pieces that were _Newt_ , everywhere, when everything was over.

He thought about going to the café, but then he imagined Newt flirting with him over the counter - sitting on one of the tables and glancing at him every once in a while to give him a wink - kissing him in a secluded alcove, his lips and tongue tasting like coffee and -

Thomas started walking, then jogging, then running. Full pelt, almost slipping a number of times.

The blinking lights of the bus station loomed ahead. There was barely anyone around and the brunette checked his phone - it was almost midnight.

 

**-**

 

The bus was warm and nicely quiet - there was only one other passenger with him, an elderly woman clutching her handbag and warily glancing out the window, her other hand on a small suitcase beside her.

He knew her, in fact. Mrs. Fairfax, who'd been his next-door neighbor when he was a child. She'd blinked at him, as though not believing her eyes, and whispered, "oh Thomas dear, I haven't seen you for so long! Are you going home then?" to which he'd just nodded and tried to smile. He thought it would've been more polite to take the seat next to her, but he didn't think he could bear her questions - what if she wanted to reminisce? He was in no mental state to even _converse_ with anyone. So he just nodded again, and smiled, before proceeding to the very back of the bus where he curled up on the seat, staring out the window to the darkness outside. It was for hours - he dropped off every now and then until the surroundings became familiar again - moderately sized townhouses lining the snow-covered streets. He watched Mrs. Fairfax get off the bus, giving him a sympathetic look as she waved goodbye.

He got off the bus the closest he could get to his house without actually getting off in front of it, and walked a few blocks towards the very familiar townhouse. Not wanting to go through the front door, he went through to the back, pulling up one of the basement windows and going in that way - he turned on the heating and lights along the way. Thomas soon found himself standing in the living room he grew up in. It looked exactly the way it did when he moved out, more than three years ago.

He peered at the garage - no car, of course. Of course.

Weaving in and out of the rooms, climbing up the stairs and running his hand on the banister where it collected copious amounts of dust that stuck to his gloves - five years' worth of dust and grime, made more pronounced by the lights he'd switched on.

Thomas' old room, a whole wall covered in cork - pictures and drawings and posters were pinned to it. Musty bookshelves and his old bedsheets. It was as if he'd travelled back in time; in a second, he'd hear his mom calling out to him, that it's time for dinner -

He walked straight out and slammed the door shut, trying to suck in air through his lungs.

He spied the door at the end of the hall and looked away, before turning and going back down the steps.

Brushing the dust off the living room couch as best he can, he lay down and tried to sleep, trying not to think about the night he waited at home, and waiting for the lights to flash outside, for the car to turn up. The phone call that came hours later, and the infinity he’d spent sitting numbly at the police station.

 

**-**

 

For the next few days, Thomas stayed there. It didn't matter that he didn't go back - his finals week _was_ over, he had no commitments. He had called work to say he'd gone home for holidays.

He was trying to clear things up in the house - he'd taken off all the curtains, heavy with dust and almost brittle with age, opened up all the windows that creaked now, taken out the old vacuum cleaner that was broken to no surprise of his, and swept up as much as he could.  

Some old neighbors of his came to see him - some brought him food or invited him for dinner. He accepted the food but politely refused the dinners, and they, thankfully, didn't push. Thomas wasn't even sure why he was there, cleaning up his old house. He just hadn’t known where else to go. He felt as though he was running away again – away from things that had smashed him up. And now that his apartment stopped being a safe haven, he returned home.

 

**-**

 

It took two weeks for the house to become properly habitable – and this was with the help of Thomas’ neighbors, who’d come over and help every now and then. They were good friends with his parents, so Thomas understood their eagerness to help. All the furniture was no longer dusty, shabby but still usable. He’d thrown out or given away anything that he didn’t need, which was quite a lot of things… a lot of crap. He was even thinking of selling the old townhouse – it wasn’t like he was going to live in it; it was much too big for one person. Then maybe he can move to a new flat somewhere else, somewhere still close to his university.

 

**-**

It was a week after he came that Thomas mustered up the courage to open up his parents’ bedroom – he was accompanied at that time by Mrs. Fairfax, who had brought him lunch. She had sat on the dining table while Thomas was upstairs – and it was she who discovered him lying in the wardrobe, staring at his parents' clothes and sobbing quietly.

She’d led him back down and they ate lunch together while she told him stories of a young couple who moved next door to her, and their lively young son.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why TF are things getting sadder for Tommy baby huhuuuuu I'm so sorry for thissss but I did say I was gonna talk about his past a little, and why he was kind of a sad potato. :(
> 
> The story's about to wrap up though, the end is near guys!!! Thank you again, so much, for continuing to read this story <3


	11. The words I never said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I fell in love with Thomas," Newt whispered.  
> Minho barked out a laugh. "We all know that, mate."  
> "Not at first," Newt said, "it was all just good fun, then. I had just gotten rejected. Thomas - Tommy - was nice, we'd been friends for ages and I knew him so well… I knew how to make him happy… so I thought I'd go for it, nothing to lose, right?"

It was the week since he last saw the brunette that Minho realized Thomas was missing - or at least, not showing up to work. He'd become accustomed to seeing the brunette there, and his theory was confirmed when Aris asked him if he'd seen Thomas around. Apparently the brunette hadn't shown up to work in a week, after going home for the break.

He hadn't seen Newt around, either. He'd thought the lovers probably just went on some sort of secret holiday, when he saw Newt standing outside the cafe, looking as though he hadn't slept in days. His blonde hair was sticking up with bedhead, his eyes were sunken, and his skin had a gray tinge to it.

Minho walked to him. "Hey, man!"

Newt jolted, as though he hadn't noticed Minho until then. "Hey."

"Dude... you don't look so good," the Asian mumbled, "what's up? Trouble in paradise?"

It was as if Newt hadn't heard him. "Is uh... is Thomas in there?" he gestured at the cafe.

_Trouble in paradise_ , Minho confirmed in his head. "No, man, I haven't seen him in over a week - weird, huh? Even the other barista was loo-"

"We broke up."

Minho's eyes widened. "What? Dude, no."

Newt just nodded slightly. "Last week." He took a deep breath. "He saw me... with Brenda, and she was - she was hugging me and he thought - that - that -"

"Newt!" a voice called out, and both boys turned to see Brenda running towards them. "I passed 173," she said to Newt as she handed him a large coffee cup. "Here. I wouldn't have passed without your help, and I haven't seen you around lately, so-" she took a closer look at his face.

"What... what happened to you?" she asked, looking warily at Minho. The Asian looked sharply at her, "he and Thomas broke up."

Brenda's eyes widened. "What? But - but why -" her eyes glazed over slightly, she was thinking, remembering. "It was... the hug? But - but that was nothing, wasn't it? I mean, he knew we were friends and everything, he's not the jealous type, Thomas. I know it." She crossed her arms and stared at Newt.

"You... start talking," she said.

Minho sighed and grabbed Newt and Brenda's elbows. "My place. We'll talk there." He started tugging at the two, who reluctantly followed. Minho was worried about Newt, who looked like he had cracked - never had he seen the blonde so desolate.

 

-

 

"So... he saw you two hugging, and then?" Minho stared questioningly at Newt. "I agree with Brenda... Thomas is hardly the possessive type, is he?"

Newt swallowed. "He thought... that I was in love with you..." he looked at Brenda.

Brenda stared at him for a second, bemusement marring her features - and then comprehension dawned on her face. Minho was looking between the two - he had no idea what was going on. _Newt in love with Brenda? And Brenda knew?_ He spoke up.

"Okay, guys... whaaaaaat?"

Brenda gave a strained laugh at the confusion on Minho's face. "Before he started dating Thomas... Newt confessed to me," she mumbled, and at seeing the look on Minho's face, "but that was ages ago, and nothing happened -"

Newt looked at the both of his friends miserably. "It's... my fault," he said.

"Thomas asked me out because he knew Brenda rejected me," he began, "and he'd liked me for so long... and I thought it wouldn't hurt to try... and... "

The blonde boy looked down.

"I fell in love with Thomas," Newt whispered.

Minho barked out a laugh. "We all know that, mate."

"Not at first," Newt said, "it was all just good fun, then. I had just gotten rejected. Thomas - Tommy - was nice, we'd been friends for ages and I knew him so well… I knew how to make him happy… so I thought I'd go for it, nothing to lose, right?"

The other two were quiet now, just staring.

"And," he continued, "it was great, being with him. I didn't think it would've been - I never thought - but I was really, really happy with him." Newt's hands shook, and he looked absolutely miserable, like he was realizing everything at once, and realizing, finally, what a massive, terrible mistake he'd made. His voice was sure, but quivering, like he was about to start crying.

"I love Thomas. I love Thomas so much," Newt was breathing slightly erratically now, as though he was panicking a little, as well he might. "And he broke up with me because he thought I loved you," he gestured to Brenda, whose forehead creased, "and I let him go because I thought he was right and I wanted to have no regrets about that, I wanted to _try_ , like a bloody idiot not being satisfied with what I already had. Because Thomas - Thomas was crying and he was smiling and he was telling me he wanted me to be so happy, that I so deserved to be happy," tears were leaking from the blonde's eyes now, "and he was willing to let me go, to let me go to someone else even though it'd break him, because he wanted me to go wherever makes me happiest."

"And I just let that be without a fight because I thought, because - because I was so, so stupid and I - I fucked up so badly."

Brenda had kneeled down and wrapped her arms around the trembling, sobbing boy. Minho, unsure if he was a hugger or not, settled beside them and laid a comforting hand on Newt's back.

"I want Thomas. I don't want anyone else. I miss him _. He_ makes me happiest. When we first got together he was just this rebound, you know, someone to fill in the gaps. But he didn't just fill in the gaps and cracks - he fixed them. And he melded himself into my life so perfectly that I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how I'm supposed to function anymore. I was so obsessed with thinking that he wasn't enough, that I wanted someone else simply because I've never experienced being _with_ that someone else. But he's more than enough. And now I'm with you guys and I'm telling you these things and he's never going to know, because I never bothered to tell him, because even though he did and said every little thing to make sure I knew how much he loved me, I never even told _him_ that _I_ love _him_ too. And now I'm not even allowed to. I'm not allowed to apologize, to tell him that he's the one who deserves all the happiness in the world. I'm not allowed to do any of that, because I don't deserve to."

Minho gave a low whistle at Newt's impassioned speech.

"You can still tell him!" Brenda said encouragingly, "everything - everything you just said - you could tell him."

Newt shook his head, wiping tears off his cheeks. Brenda glared at him. "You can - you could try - you could ask _him_ for a chance, can't you? Get him back?" she was full of unrestrained energy now, "we could go to the café!" She stood up, grabbing Newt's arm as she did.

"Uh," Minho coughed. "I think… well, I'm not sure," he rubbed his nose, "but Aris - the other barista at the café, said Thomas wasn't showing up for work anymore."

Newt's head snapped towards him. "What?"

"I just haven't seen him around, man," the Asian said.

Brenda grabbed Minho's phone and started dialing Thomas' number, but it beeped off. "Not in service," she murmured. Newt took the phone and tried again, but nothing. He stood up and hurriedly tugged on his boots and coat, leaving the apartment - Minho and Brenda trailing him.

 

-

 

Thomas wasn't anywhere. The trio returned to the café to question Aris - who was busy serving customers and did not appreciate them distracting; he ended up frustratedly telling them he had absolutely no clue - before they went to Thomas' apartment. Newt had a spare key - Minho noticed how his hands shook as he put the key in the lock and pushed the door open - but there was no one there. The entire space was cold, and he noticed that it was a bit dusty, like it had been uninhabited for a while. Newt had ventured the rooms, the kitchens, the bathrooms - nothing had been taken, as far as the blonde knew - and he knew it well, he’d said.

It was as if Thomas just never came back.

Newt tried calling again, and nothing, again. He sat on the couch and put his head on his hands. Minho watched the confident boy he knew slowly crumbling as the blond restlessly ran his fingers through his already messy hair.

Thomas was gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh Newt's side
> 
> My precious baby did fuck up, didn't he? :(( Huhu 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!!! Comments etc are appreciated <3
> 
> P.S. I realized that I've been posting non-stop the past few days and well... uni shit's getting serious again (and I'm kinda behind huhu PRIORITIES PLS hahaha) and it might be a while again before I post the next chapter huhu forgive this potato orz


	12. And I won't ever let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas opened the door blearily, expecting Mrs. Fairfax. She'd put it upon herself to come over first thing in the mornings to feed him, though sometimes he wondered if the old woman was feeling rather lonely herself.
> 
> What he did not expect was Brenda, standing on his doorstep.

Thomas woke up to the sound of the doorbell ringing continuously, drilling in his head and forcing him from his peaceful, unconscious self. He was sleeping on the sofa again - one of the few pieces of furniture he'd kept, besides the dining table. Everything else was gone - sold off or given away; yesterday, he cleared out the garage - and the house seemed large and empty and lonely. Thomas didn't mind - he was used to that kind of thing. As he walked off to get the door, dark thoughts started swirling in his mind again, and he felt a terrible restlessness.

He'd been keeping nicely busy for the past few weeks - too busy to think, too tired too think, too surrounded - by all his neighbors who were determined to help him and make him feel welcome again, and Mrs Fairfax, who had kept a constant eye on him ever since the time she'd seen him crack - so that Thomas had barely a moment to himself. But he could feel it, biding its time, waiting for the right moment to unleash the black hole and swallow him whole, drag him into the blackness. He had spent all his free moments sleeping as it was the only way not to descend into a very dark pit, and he felt like he'd slept too much now - his head was aching - but the exhaustion that creaked and rattled his bones, the ache that had settled in his muscles and attached itself to his very core, never disappeared.

Thomas opened the door blearily, expecting Mrs. Fairfax. She'd put it upon herself to come over first thing in the mornings to feed him, though sometimes he wondered if the old woman was feeling rather lonely herself.

What he did not expect was Brenda, standing on his doorstep.

 

-

 

"Thomas," she said, her eyes narrowing.  And then her face changed - before he could discern her expression, she had thrown herself against him, wrapping her arms around his torso. She was crying.

"What," began Thomas, "what are you doing h-"

She pulled away and punched him hard on the chest. "You disappeared, you asshole!"

Thomas blinked back at her, too stunned to even notice the blow. "I... came home." He was truly confused now - he and Brenda hadn't spoken in months, and now here she was, crying and worrying about him. _Alternate dimension?_ He thought. _Or was he just crazy?_ It was entirely possible - lately he felt like he was on a druggy haze, watching everything around him like he wasn't part of it.

"We've been looking all over for you... Newt - he told me everything," she said. Thomas felt a stab of pain. _Of course_. He was beginning to feel very ridiculous now, because he did exactly as she said. Disappeared, right after a breakup, like a fucking cliche. And Newt - he probably wanted his things back so he'd gone to Thomas' old apartment, noticed it was abandoned, gotten worried, and alerted Brenda... and now this, _her_ , on his doorstep. Did it mean they were friends again? Of course - she was the only one who _knew_. Thomas hoped she didn't tell Newt - he couldn't stand any more pity, though he felt like he'd already lost any shred of dignity he ever had. He felt as though he'd never been this exhausted in his life - he felt so ridiculously stupid, and so, _so_ , ridiculously heartbroken. Seeing Brenda was painful - _here_ was the person Newt _chose_ over him.

He pressed his knuckles against his eyes. He could almost feel it - the cold edges of the black hole crawling up his arms, ready to swallow the rest of him -

"Newt's here," she whispered, and Thomas jolted.

"I..." the brunette tried to speak, but he was cut off. _Newt was here?_   He forced himself not to look past her, not to look for that blonde head of hair.

"I know... what happened," Brenda said, "and things are - are really fucked up, but - but -"

"We broke up," Thomas said as firmly as he could, even as his hands shook.

Brenda shook her head angrily. "Thomas- "

"Stop it," he said roughly, trying to turn away, "as you can see, I'm alive, I'm - okay, so just go back-"

"Thomas," came the familiar, British accent. It came from behind Brenda at the steps below, but he wasn't looking, he wasn't looking, _he wasn't looking_ -

Brenda stepped aside and he was facing Newt. 

 

-

 

_He looks like shit_ , was Thomas' first thought, and his first impulse was to grab onto the taller boy, to hold him, to - well, to make him sleep, first and foremost. But Brenda stepped into his line of vision again and he stopped himself, crossing his arms tightly at his chest. Exactly how he was managing to do that, he didn't know, but Brenda was his friend - at least, he was pretty sure - well, she was here, wasn't she - and he didn't want to do anything that might - that might wreck Newt's chances with her.

"I think…" she began, "I think the both of you… need to talk, yeah?"

Thomas wanted to glare at her, or laugh at the absurdity of what she said, but he settled on focusing on one of the shrubs lining the outside of the house. _Talk about what, exactly?_ He thought. _About how he cracked up because he was dumped? How they'd both help him get back up on his feet?_ He couldn't bear that. He really couldn't. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever.

He imagined the three of them in the future, hanging out together. Thomas would be the regular third wheel as Brenda and Newt would be his best friends…

He felt his stomach swoop nastily and he hastily blocked out the scene from his mind. Right now, that sort of thing felt near to impossible. He wouldn't even be _able_ to talk to them, knowing they were together, and that he was so, so in love with _her_ boyfriend. Didn't that sound fucked up? It did. Really, in every way possible.

Thomas stared at Newt, his eyes focusing on the pale face as his mind wandered and he imagined Newt's smile, and how everything he was doing was to _keep_ that smile, how staying strong and letting go and being happy for _them_ was _for_ that smile. All those reasons felt unimportant, like excuses, as he gazed at the blonde - the soft smooth skin he'd revered those times they were closer than they'd ever been, those eyes, those lips…

Maybe… maybe if they left _now_ and came back after, say, a year or so, maybe Thomas would be okay. He needed time to be able to practice his composure, and the both of them being here right now wasn't helpful. It had only been three weeks, after all. How could he - how could he even _pretend_ he wasn't in love with the blonde, when here he was, trembling and barely able to stop himself from grabbing onto Newt's coat and never letting the blonde leave - never, once was already too much -

Thomas gave a muffled _oomph_ as he was suddenly enclosed in a bone crushing embrace. Dazed, he thought it was Brenda, but the height was all wrong, and the scent, the scent was Newt, all Newt and so strong and so _missed_ that he just stopped thinking and hugged the blonde back.

_Screw this,_ he thought, pressing his face against Newt's neck, _he was never letting go now. Screw everyone - Newt was his, his, his._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go!!! Hehe thank you all for staying this long <3 I'm sorry this chapter took so long orz 
> 
> As always, comments etc are appreciated <3


	13. But it's better than dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last was something he'd never forget - the feeling of complete and utter security, in the arms of the person who broke his heart.

It was with a sort of awkwardness that the two wandered about Thomas' nearly empty home, awkwardly looking round and brushing dust out of the way. Brenda had left as soon as the two boys had pulled away from one another, leaving Thomas to invite Newt inside.

Thomas had immediately proceeded to the kitchen muttering things about tea and snacks. The brunette wasn't _that_ stupid - and, well, based on the bone crushing hug he'd received from the taller boy, he… well, he thought it was safe to assume that… Newt wanted him back… maybe? Was he being too hopeful?

The few minutes on his doorstep was a roller coaster ride of emotions he never thought was possible. Seeing the blonde with Brenda was a knife to the heart, and he had felt a white hot bolt of fury _\- at them, why were they here, why were they flaunting -_ through his body that dissipated immediately, leaving him with a bone aching sadness of - _I know why and it's okays, and I wanted this._

The last was something he'd never forget - the feeling of complete and utter security, in the arms of the person who broke his heart.

 

-

 

Thomas made four mugs of tea. He was already starting to make a fifth mug, tearing open a tea pack and pulling out a tea bag. He wondered if Newt would come looking for him - probably worried he'd run away again, though the was wearing nothing but a shirt and a pair of boxers so he was clearly not about to go anywhere; he wasn't _that_ crazy. He mostly wished the blonde would just wait for him.

He felt unbalanced - everything he knew he ever wanted was here, but he felt as though he was wanting wrong. He wanted to be with Newt so badly. All to himself. Seeing Newt again had awoken a possessiveness in Thomas that he had not experienced before, and he wondered if he would ever survive not being with the blonde.

He'd been here for weeks  and though he had not spiraled off into some dark, dangerous end, he also felt as though, if he kept at it, he would have sooner rather than later. If Newt never came for him… well, Thomas didn't know. He was just trying to wake up each day and keep doing whatever he had to do to keep at life, holding on to the fact that he would still have the blonde, of course. Just not the way he wanted, but, at the very least, he would be a part of the other boy's life. To be honest, that thought didn't help him much - not when the only things he'd remember from muddy dreams were brown eyes, pale skin and blonde hair.

He smashed his palms against his eyes. It felt as though he'd placed the responsibility of his entire well-being and sanity on one person.

When he gave up Newt, he felt as though he'd given up all of himself - there was nothing of Thomas that wasn't Thomas loving Newt.

But was that not alright? He'd always known he was someone to be overly attached to people - too fast and too much and too easy. He didn't just like people - he _liked_ people, and few as there were people that were close to him, they all had significant places in his heart.

_Too easy to crush,_ he thought.

Thomas felt a silent resolve creep over his heart.

_God, he couldn't believe himself. He was crazy. Fucking crazy. Everything he could want and he was going to refuse._

 

-

 

Thomas ended up abandoning the other mugs of tea and ambled out of the kitchen with just one, along with a half empty cookie jar. He placed them on the sofa between him and Newt as he sat down, gesturing for the other boy to help himself.

He heard the other boy take a deep breath - and stopped him from speaking.

"Newt, I."

The blonde was staring at him, eyes too wide. _Terrified,_ Thomas thought. That was not something he was used to seeing from the self-assured, cheerful guy whose confidence never seemed to falter.

"I'm sorry," Thomas said,

"No, I'm sorry -" Newt interrupted him, "I fucked up - I. I don't love her. Not Brenda. I - I just. I'm so fucking stupid, I love you."

Thomas' eyebrows rose a little at the confession. That - that was a first, wasn't it?

"No, I mean. I don't mean I'm stupid because I love you! I just meant that... I love you." The blonde was nervously rubbing his hands against his thighs, looking at Thomas and looking away, like he didn't know how to continue. Thomas' brain was too busy trying to comprehend the fact that Newt had told him he loved him _three_ times. All in one sitting.

"And I'm a fucking idiot because I let myself believe that you weren't enough. Because you are. I'm so, so sorry I ever let you think you weren't, that I needed someone else, because I can't be with anyone else, I just, I just really, really need you. I don't know what the fuck I was doing, leaving you that night in the cold, like I didn't care."

Newt's eyes were misty and he was leaning towards Thomas - almost pushing the tray off the sofa. The brunette grabbed it and put it on his other side. Newt slowly sidled up to him, and Thomas let his hand be held.

The brunette's posture was stiff and tense as he tried to remember his earlier resolve, the one where he wasn't about to let himself do what he wanted because of seemingly sane reasons he can only now see as stupid, but he was dealing with Newt, and he was really, really, really in love with Newt.

"Thomas..." the blonde croaked, "please… please give me another chance."

Thomas was already Newt's. He was Newt's even before Newt wanted him. He was Newt's when Newt wanted him, he was Newt's when Newt wanted someone else.

"I'm yours, Tommy. Even when I thought I wasn't, even when I was too blind to fucking acknowledge it."

_Thomas_ will always be Newt's. It didn't matter if they weren't together, Newt would always have Thomas. _But it would be better if they were together_.

Newt coughed slightly, "if - if you would have me, of course." His eyes were too wide.

Hands shaking and mouth almost too dry, Thomas slowly extracted his hand from Newt's already too-tight grip, ignoring the way the blonde's entire body tensed up, the sadness flooding his too-wide eyes.

He placed his hands on both sides of Newt's face and pressed their foreheads together.

"God, Newt, how am I supposed to refuse that? You fucking prick - could you, could you kiss me now?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end wuhuu I hope the ending's alright. It's a bit (really) short but I honestly wanted to put them out of their misery lol I just want my boys to be happy!!! 
> 
> Tbh I actually thought about prolonging it and schtuff and not letting them end up together but they were so in love and fuck that they deserve to be together
> 
> Thank you so much (if there's still anybody here haha) for staying by the story, for commenting and everything :* you people r the best and I would hug each and every one of you if I wasn't such an awkward potato who doesn't know how to be touchy feely (but I'm great at awkward hugs so *gives out awkward hugs*) anyways that's basically it thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> P.S. Oh dear god I'm so sorry this took so damn long. I don't want to make excuses but argh my mini thesis killed my soul and after the semester ended I honestly didn't want to touch my laptop orz im really sorry :( guys architecture students are dead inside i swear to god this course is hella toxic but I love it and idk lol (crazy person here)
> 
> P.P.S Right so this might become a series bc I'll be doing bits and pieces, like oneshots about things that happen after, or some backstories or stuff that happen after etc hehe


End file.
